THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL

It was a bleak December night. The cold wind felt like a thousand knives stabbing at my exposed flesh. I was on my way home from a long days work. Although I would rather not go home. There was nothing there for me. There was nothing in this life for me. I pulled my body into itself trying not feel the cold. To despite the painful hell that was the icy cold air there was a sense of beauty as light snow gently fell from the sky coating the world below in a blanket of white. It’s funny how the snow makes everything it covers look so much better. It can transform a baron neighborhood into a winter’s palace. I sniffled my nose but I knew soon that wouldn’t be a problem as things would begin to freeze solid. As I walked down the street the colorful glow of the Christmas light displays lit my way. Christmas was once a time of hope for me. I use to love it. I had so much to live for but now I ask myself why? Why do I go on? Why is there a need for me to wake up every morning? Tonight I walk alone. The streets are empty as most people are now at home as Christmas Eve rolls in. I will arrive to an empty home. Warm my pre-made dinner in the microwave and then wallow in my own misery. My family is now gone and I have no friends. I once had dreams but those have faded . I realized at some point I was just chasing rainbows. Rainbows don’t actually exist. They are an illusion. So I gave up. As I continued to walk alone in cold winter wonderland the snow seemed to be falling faster and more dense. I knew I would be home soon. Just a little more to go. I’ve had my dark days. When I was at my lowest. I thought about ending it all many different times but I just can’t really bring myself to it. It felt like it was getting colder with each step that I took. As I made my way down the street side I noticed something. Up against a building, slightly dusted with snow was a large lump. Now I have walked down this street so many times before but never did I see that. As I got closer I noticed that it was moving ever so slightly. The snow was coming down so quickly and fierce that it had become unbearable to walk through. I battled my way through it and moved closer to the formation. The closer I got the more clear it became. The lump was a person. I couldn’t tell who it was, their age, or even their health. All I could make out was that they were wrapped in old tattered blankets sleeping through the bitter cold . This person had positioned themselves just under the eaves of the building to avoid being buried by the snow. Only a little bit had landed on them when the wind blew. I looked at this person not knowing what I should do. It was so cold I couldn’t really muster up a thought. On a night like this I didn’t want this person to be laying out here with the elements. It was Christmas Eve and this was how they were spending it? Without much thought I took off my thick fleece lined jacket and placed it over this mysterious person. It was my hope that this would help shield them against the wind.

It felt like I had been walking for over an hour. Without my jacket I was so cold that I could no longer control my shaking. My teeth were chattering and my eyes stinging. Finally I was home although warming up wouldn’t be an option. I ran out of oil a month ago and have been without heat. I have a wood burning stove but not enough wood. I want to save it for the worst days although this seems like one of them. I ran into my home and out of the snow storm. There was nothing waiting for me inside those walls except for darkness. I was too cold to even want to eat so I skipped dinner. The only thing I look forward to was getting into my bed under the many layers of blankets and fall asleep with heat created by my own body. Many years ago on this night I would not be able to sleep. I would be too excited as I waited for Christmas Morning to come. It always felt like an eternity. I can still see it so clearly. My Dad letting us know when we could actually come down to see what Santa had brought. My Mom in kitchen baking blueberry muffins and getting enough glasses out for the eggnog. Dad would tease us.
“Look at all this stuff! Oh my God look who did well this year!” Our imaginations ran wild.
“Could we come down yet?”
“Not now the muffins are not ready yet.” He would say.
“But Please Dad.”
“No, no, no.”
Sometimes he would tell us he saw Santa on the roof and thought he was a burglar so he shot him. My brothers and sisters never appreciated his humor when it came to Santa. I knew better.
“No Christmas this year. You all might as well go to bed.”
I never believed him. That little boy still lives inside me and that excitement on Christmas Eve sometimes peaks out . That is until reality hits. When I realize I will wake in the morning to same old house with no one in it but me. There will be no family gatherings or gift giving. No Santa Claus and no turkeys or mistletoe. I will wake up to same morning that I wake up to every day. As these thoughts raced through my head I nodded off into a deep sleep. The next time I would wake my entire life would change.

It was Christmas morning and I could find no reason to wake up but I did anyways. After I got dressed and cleaned up I sat down in a chair and drifted away to a better time when Christmas was full of joy. Wrapping paper scattered all over the room, Christmas songs blasting out of the speakers, glasses half full of eggnog and hot chocolate. As these images danced in my head there was suddenly a knock at door. How unusual I thought. No one ever knocks at my door.

I cautiously opened the door where I was greeted by a woman. Her face was nearly hidden behind the large winter hat she wore. Dirt was smudged on her face. Before I could say a word she extended her arm out to me where she was holding my jacket. The very jacket I placed on someone last night.

“ I believe this is yours.” she said.
“Yeah it is? Did you find it?”
“You wrapped it around me last night.”
“That was you? How did you know where to find me?”
“You left your wallet in the jacket.”
“Oh my God how stupid of me.”
“I didn’t take anything. Check it.”
“No, it’s fine. I just can’t believe I did that.”
“I have to go. I just wanted to give you this back.”
“Thanks. That’s really honest of you.”
“Thanks for jacket. It did keep me warm”

As she turned to leave something inside me compelled me to stop her.

“Wait! Please.”

She turned and faced me.

“Would you please stay?”
“What for?”
“For warmth. It’s going to be colder tonight than it was last night.”
“I can’t do that. Besides don’t you have family to go see?”
“No. I don’t have anyone.”
“Oh. Look I don’t take handouts. If anything I will get myself out of my mess. I don’t need your help.”
“Okay. How about this. I’ll rent you a room. I have an extra room. There is a bed in there. You take it now and when you get a job then you pay me. I’ll wave the security deposit.”
“I don’t know about that…”
“Please.”
“Are you up to something ?”
“Up to something? No. I just don’t want you to go out there and freeze to death. It will be well below zero.”

It took some convincing but I finally got her to stay.

“Why don’t you have a Christmas tree?”
“I can’t see any reason why to have one.”
“If I could I would. This is the best time of year.”
“I need to go out and get some food. You should have a good warm meal. I have some cash, not much, but you can go next store and buy what you need. Clothes or whatever”
“Oh no I can’t….”
“I know no hand outs. How about a Christmas present?”
“You don’t even know me.”
“You to have to know someone to give them a present.”

I didn’t have much but it was something. I left that morning putting my trust in a complete stranger. She could have taken everything I own.. I trusted she wouldn’t. I returned about an hour later and when I arrived I was I would greeted by something very unexpected.

I walked into the room and standing before me was a beautiful Christmas tree. The lights casting their warm glow over the entire room. I was speechless. A moment later she stepped out. She had cleaned herself up and she was radiant. I can not explain the feeling I got from her. It was something I had never felt before, especially from a stranger. Yet she didn’t feel like a stranger. I felt like I had known her before. She look at me and smiled. I nearly melted .She seemed to be at peace not like earlier.
“Merry Christmas.”
“Merry…Christ…mas…How? In less than hour?”
“I know we are strangers but what you did for me last night was the kindest sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me and then today to open your home to me is so selfless, so unbelievable. I had to show my thanks in a big way.”
“This is…”
“It’s Christmas day. You should celebrate it.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s a time to start over again. To forgive and to renew hope. There is something magical about this day. Actually I find the magic really happens Christmas Eve. As you demonstrated last night.”
“You really believe that? You have been sleeping in the streets in the icy cold with nothing. Nothing at all.”
“I don’t have nothing. I have hope.”

I was stunned. She gave me another a smile and I could see she really did have hope. We spent the entire day together. Sitting next to each other talking and laughing and eating and even crying at times. The entire time I could not take my eyes of hers. They seemed to sparkle as if small electric pulses were swimming around. I had only known her for one day yet I had fallen in love with her. Don’t ask me how. I don’t know how to even explain it. I had said it was like I had known her before but after talking with her and sitting so close to her I can say I somehow have known her. She didn’t feel like a stranger. She felt more like an extension of my soul. I was curious about her feeling of hope. I wanted to know how she could hold onto that with everything she had lost. She took my hand in hers and in a gentle voice explained it to me.

“Life is beautiful. It is a gift. Sometimes things won’t go the way we want it to. Sometimes we will lose everything and everyone we have. That doesn’t mean that our lives are over. It doesn’t mean that we need to give up. There is always a shining light at the end of the darkened tunnel. What you must do is not let that little fragment of light disappear. Hold onto it. Things will get better. It will. Everything is all up to you. You make it happen. You control your destiny. Yes there will be roadblocks and so many things trying to stop you but it is you who must fight through it. No one else can do it for you. God gave us the gift if free will. We can’t blame him for things that go bad in our lives even if we didn’t cause those bad things. We just pick ourselves up and we use his gift and we continue on. It could take days or it could take decades but as long as well fight on we will survive and when we do finally die we will die happy no matter where we are. All you need are three things. Determination, Belief, and hope. As long as you hold onto those you will make it.”

I believed her. Perhaps if it was someone else I would have rolled my eyes and moved on with my miserable life but this was coming from someone who had lost it all. Her entire family gone like mine, her home lost to a horrific fire. Her job gone to the way of the times, her savings stolen in it’s entirety by someone evil. Her only possession is the clothes she wears and her only home is between the corner of two buildings. With all that she still has hope? She really believed that she would find her way and rebuild her life. That is what kept her alive.

I had been living the better part of a decade now in misery. I was angry at the world for what it had done to me. Angry at God for taking my family away and destroying my dreams. Angry and hopeless. I could not see a better day ahead. I felt as if I was just waiting. Waiting for the end but somehow in just a few hours time this extraordinary woman changed my entire outlook. I was suddenly determined. I believed that a better day was coming,. I had hope. Real hope.

While I sat there with her the rest of the night I just wanted to take her in my arms and hold onto her tightly forever. I had feelings that I had never felt before. I wanted to hold her, love her, and protect her. That Christmas would be a day I will never forget. It started as just an ordinary day of me not seeing a reason to wake up to a day where I couldn’t wait until tomorrow so that I could start my new life. I was ready. It was time for me to go after my dreams. The dreams I let go away.

She looked into my eyes and smiled. She placed her hand behind my head ever so gently.

“It’s time for me to go to sleep now. I want to thank you again for what you have done for me. My hope has brought me you. My angel. I very well could have died in the streets tonight but your act of selfishness has brought me a warm place to sleep. I am forever grateful and I will never forget you. Please just do one thing for me. Believe in hope. Just believe. Believe.”

With that she said goodnight with a sweet kiss that nearly melted me into a pool of mush. I closed my eyes and the energy from her electrified my soul. When I opened my eyes it was morning.

The place was so quiet. All I could hear was the ticking of the clocks. Tic, tic, tic, tic, tic….
Did I dream all of that yesterday? Is she really here? I got out of bed and got dressed. I didn’t want to disturb her. This was probably the best sleep she has had in a long time. I walked past her door it was open. As I peaked in the room was in the condition it was before she came here. It was as if she never used it. My God did I actually dream it all. I peered down the hall into the dining area where my jacket was on the chair. The very jacket I had given up to her. It wasn’t until I entered the living room when I would have my answer.

As I entered standing before me was the very Christmas tree she had put there. Near where we had sat with each other were the two mugs we had hot chocolate in. It wasn’t a dream but where was she. I searched all over for her but she was gone. I put on my jacket and went into the cold to search. I looked by street sides and even shelters. I could not find her. I looked for two days straight before I realized she was gone forever. I was saddened. How could she do this? Why would she leave? God had sent me my soul mate and then he took her away. As I sat by the tree in sadness I heard a cling and then a clank. I looked down and noticed an ornament had fallen from the tree. As I lifted it up I didn’t recognize it. It was not on there last night. Nor did I ever own it. It was a glass angel and somehow didn’t shatter from the fall. I then noticed a small strip of paper stuck to back of it. I pulled it off and written was just one word. HOPE.

I pondered it for a moment and then I realized something. God had not sent me my soul mate. He sent me an Angel. From that day forward I changed my life. Things were not always easy but I held onto hope and I remembered my Angel. I held her tightly within me. I continued to chase my dreams making each one come true and most of them have. I am happy. I have been happy ever since that special Christmas Day. I never did see her again. Although once I thought I did. I was with my wife and kids picking out a Christmas Tree and I saw a woman sitting next to a very sad looking old man at bus stop across the street. She was too far for me to really know if it was her but I noticed that she began talking to this man and within seconds he was smiling. I think she had found someone else to save. Perhaps she gave him the same special message she had given me. DETERMINATION, BELIEF, HOPE.