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FERRIS BUELLER'S DAD

I am in traffic and I have a headache. Some bastard turns without a signal and I nearly miss hitting the moron. As I move on another son of bitch comes flying up behind me and begins to ride my bumper. I am going 45mph on a road with a speed limit of 45 mph. This bastard then passes me going well over 90. I of course give him the finger as he goes past me and shout words I can’t write here. I go onto the interstate where an idiot actually speeds up so that I can’t get onto the highway all the while laughing as they do it. Finally I get on and another A-Hole cuts me off nearly pushing me into the jersey barrier. I yell more words I can not write here and before I am done a moron is driving on the wrong side of the road and is coming right at me. While all this goes on in one normal afternoon and I can’t help but think “Gee I wish I was like Ferris Bueller’s Dad.”

If you are like me you love “Ferris Bueller’s Day off.” I have seen it dozens of times and it still makes me laugh. What you may not have put much thought into was Ferris Beuller’s Dad. If you remember there is a scene towards the end when Ferris is rushing home, after his “Day off” , in hopes that is plan to fool his parents will work. He must get home before they do and get back into bed to resume his “sick” act. While he runs home the film cuts back and forth to his family who is also on their way home. Now in one scene his Dad is driving and he goes through what I go through everyday. A person is in front of him going way too slow. A driver pulls out in front of him and his son runs in front of his car. How does he react? With complete calmness. He just sort of passes it off like “whatever.” He never swears and never really gets angry. If this guy was real he’d my hero!

I only wish I could be remotely close to that. After an afternoon on the road I am ready to start playing demolition derby on the highway. Every time someone cuts me off that’s another year off my life. I mean really. Is it so hard to flip that little lever on the left of the steering wheel so that you can notify people that you are turning? I know you might break a nail or worse a finger. It would be far worse for that to happen than to burn alive in an accident. You know what else really fries my behind? When an idiot comes racing up on your rear, passes you, and then at record high speeds races down the highway only to get stuck at a light with you behind them. What was the point? They didn’t get anywhere. Actually they did accomplish one thing. They gave me a massive headache and really pissed me off!

If only I could calm down and be like Ferris Bueller’s Dad. Perhaps when the bastard tailgates me I could just say “Oh fiddly diddily doo. What a poo.” When he passes me and gives me the finger I could just wave and say “Tootle Lou.” Perhaps I can yell out my window “Have a good day angry fast driver.” No harm no foul. When I see a woman driving 70mph on I-95 combing her hair with both hands I can just laugh and say “ Oh well. Look at that. A woman driving with no hands. Too funny. Really.” Normally I would think “Hey you dumb ass you’ll have plenty of hair to comb when you head goes through the windshield and ends up rolling down I-95, gets hit by another car, and is kicked way up the air and thrown a mile into the window of a hair salon where it lands in a big pile of hair.”
We could all strive to be like Ferris Bueller’s Dad. To learn how to stay calm when everyone is pissing all over you. I don’t know what happens to people when they get on the road but it’s as if all common sense is just dead and they become demons.

Well I got to go. I am typing this story on my laptop while driving and in my other hand I am twittering on my cell phone about all the bad drivers I’m seeing. Oops a son of …. I mean nice man just pulled out in front of me and slammed on his brakes. I just about hit him and my cell phone flew out the window and hit a bike rider in the forehead. Oh how funny. What a nice guy to do that. Oh dear the bike rider just lost control and has hit a stop sign. Or should I say has become a part of the stop sign. Diddly doo…just love bad drivers. No really. I do. Seriously.