I am in traffic and I have a headache. Some bastard turns without a signal and I nearly miss hitting the moron. As I move on another son of bitch comes flying up behind me and begins to ride my bumper. I am going 45mph on road with a speed limit of 45 mph. This bastard then passes me going well over 90. I of course give them the finger as they go past me and shout words I can’t write here. I go onto the interstate where an idiot actually speeds up so that I can’t get onto the highway all the while laughing as they do it. Finally I get on and another A-Hole cuts me off nearly pushing me into the Jersey barrier. I yell more words I can not write here and before I am done a moron is driving on the wrong side of the road and is coming right at me. While all this goes on in one normal afternoon and I can’t help but think “Gee I wish I was like Ferris Bueller’s Dad.”
If you are like me you love “Ferris Bueller’s Day off.” I have seen it dozens of
times and it still makes me laugh. What you may not have put much thought into
was Ferris Beuller’s Dad. If you remember there is a scene towards the end when
Ferris is rushing home, after his “Day off” , in hopes that is plan to fool his
parents will work. He must get home before they do and get back into bed to
resume is “sick” act. While he runs home the film cuts back and forth to his
family who is also on their way home. Now in one scene his Dad is driving and he
goes through what I go through everyday. A person is in front of him going way
too slow. A driver pulls out in front of him and his son runs in front of his
car. How does he react? With complete calmness. He just sort of passes it off
like “whatever.” He never swears and never really gets angry. If this guy was
real he’d my hero!
I only wish I could be even remotely close to that. After an afternoon on the
road I am ready to start playing demolition derby on the highway. Every time
someone cuts me off that’s another year off my life. I mean really. Is it so
hard to flip that little lever on the left of the steering wheel so that you can
notify people that you are turning? I know you might break a nail or worse a
finger. It would be far worse for that to happen than to burn alive in an
accident. You know what else really fries my behind? When an idiot comes racing
up on your rear, passes you, and then at record high speeds races down the
highway only to get stuck at a light with you behind them. What was the point?
They didn’t get anywhere. Actually they did accomplish one thing. They gave me a
massive headache and really pissed me off!
If only I could calm down and be like Ferris Bueller’s Dad. Perhaps when the
bastard tailgates me I could just say “Oh fiddly diddily doo. What a poo.” When
he passes me and gives me the finger I could just wave and say “Tootle Lou.”
Perhaps even yell out my window “Have a good day angry fast driver.” No harm no
foul. When I see a woman driving 70mph on I-95 combing her hair with both hands
I can just laugh and say “ Oh well. Look at that. A woman driving with no hands.
Too funny. Really.” Normally I would think “Hey you dumb ass you’ll have plenty
of hair to comb when you head goes through the windshield and ends up rolling
down I-95, gets hit by another car, and is kicked way up the air and thrown a
mile into the window on a hair salon where it lands in a big pile of hair.”
We could all strive to be like Ferris Bueller’s Dad. To learn how to stay calm
when everyone is pissing all over you. I don’t know what happens to people when
they get on the road but it’s as if all common sense is just dead and they
become demons of the road.
Well I got to go. I am typing this story on a laptop while driving and in my
other hand I am twittering on my cell phone about all the bad drivers I’m
seeing. Oops a son of …. I mean nice man just pulled out in front of me and
slammed on his brakes. I just about hit him and my cell phone flew out the
window and hit a bike rider in the forehead. Oh how funny. What a nice guy to do
that. Oh dear the bike rider just lost control and has hit a stop sign. Or
should I say has become a part of the stop sign. Diddly doo…just love bad
drivers. No really. I do. Seriously.