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A THANKSGIVING DAY NIGHTMARE

Every year we get together in the United States to give thanks for the things we are grateful for. Okay that's a load of crap. It's an excuse to eat more food than Michael Moore on a eating binge. Also every year millions of Americans begin to complain about the upcoming day of thanks with tirades about their family members.

Now I have not had that problem. I am a family guy and looked forward to having the Thanksgiving festivities with them. Okay, so I didn't look forward to the facial cheek squeeze or the all whole "Do you have a girlfriend Michael?" Of course more often my answer was no which was followed by "Your better off." I would give my little smile followed by a chuckle while I was thinking "That's what you think, you're not the one who's single." My family of course loves to make fun of each other. You know, for humor. I got the humor so I was never offended. So for me family was not an issue. No for me it was other things.

Thanksgiving Day has given me a few little traditions that I would like to give back. There was the squirrel incident where a very small squirrel got loose in my bedroom , how it got there I have no idea, and I had to chase it around until I got it out of the house. I found it funny except for the fact that I was so full of food that chasing a small rodent was the last thing I wanted to do. Then ten years later there was near fist fight with a rude neighbor. Once again being full of food and pie would not make for a very successful fight. One punch in the stomach and chewed up Turkey bits and pumpkin pie everywhere! One year, when I was a kid I got into an argument with my mother so as a protest I left the table just as the meal began and skipped out on the whole day. That day really sucked. I hated losing the whole Holiday but none of these incidents compare to Thanksgiving Day of November 23, 1995.

It was like any other Thanksgiving day. Now from time to time for many years we would go to my Aunt's house and join her, my Uncle, and our cousins. This particular year my brother Jay was bringing his girlfriend with us. At least he wasn't going to be asked "Got a Girlfriend?" Lucky for him not me. So as usual the men where ready the women, namely my Mother, was not. Then when she was ready someone else was not. This happened every year. So finally we stuffed ourselves into two cars (we couldn't fit everyone in one) and we were off.

My Aunt's house was as country as you get. It was very warm and homey. As we'd enter the fire would be crackling in the fireplace. She has an old big dining room table all ready for the feast that we were about to enjoy. One of many footballs games to come is showing on a portable TV that has been set-up. I always enjoyed going to my Aunt's house and I do miss it. Well the meal begins. The meal that will take hours and hours to eat. First up was the jumbo shrimp and spicy cocktail sauce. Yummy. Next up, if I remember correctly was a series of appetizers, and then came the lasagna. That's right. A meal before the meal. We eat the lasagna and then we take a break. This works out well because it gives our tummies a chance to settle down before we stuff it full again. It's kind of like pouring soda in a glass. You fill it but then you have to wait for the foam to settle so that you can add more and fill the glass full.

Now comes the Turkey and all the trimmings. We are all so caught up in the food no one talks. We just chew. After the meal ends we rest for about four hours. Some of us watch the football games, some of us talk at the table, and the rest of us (me and the cousins) watched a video in the den. As darkness falls we hear the call. Desert time! Oh Lord give me the strength to stuff pie in my already full, now round, belly. Upon the table is pumpkin pie, apple pie, and my Mother's Cherry cheese cake pie. So I have all three and now food is just shooting out of my ears because my body is full.

All right, so dinner and desert is over. It is now getting late, we are all very tired, so we head home. Always an interesting ride back home. It seemed like I was not really there because I was so tired and full. My Mother likes loud music but for some reason on our way home during the Holidays she had the volume low making it even harder to stay awake. Finally we arrive home.

Now I had started my own personal tradition years ago by watching the Steve Martin/John Candy movie "Plains, Trains, and Automobiles" every year before going to bed on Thanksgiving Night. So I watched the VHS tape and when it was over I tuned into the Late Night talk shows. Everything seemed normal and although I was stuffed I felt a little more settled. I looked forward to getting some sleep. Everything was great or so I thought.

I remember it so clear as if it just happened yesterday. I know what time it happened and I can still see the clock on the wall. It was 2 a.m. and I was ready for bed. I was watching "Later with Greg Kinnear" and decided I couldn't watch anymore. I must get some sleep. So I turned the TV off and climb into bed. I felt very relaxed and then it happened. Oh boy did it happen. Suddenly a horrible pain shot through my stomach and lower regions. It was so painful and hit so fast that I got out of bed and fell to the floor. What was going on here? The pain was intense. So I decide I should go to the bathroom. As I crawl to the door I hear someone else enter the bathroom. No! I am banging the floor in hopes they would leave the bathroom. Finally they do and I get in. Now I will avoid the graphic details but let's just say I had very painful bowel movements. This went on for ten to twenty minutes. Finally I felt fine and left the bathroom only to hit he floor again in pain. I turn around to go back the bathroom and someone else gets in! No, No, No! Soon it became clear as to what was going on. We were all sick. I am not exaggerating here when I say this started at two and finally ended at nine. It was a pattern of on the toilet for twenty minutes, feel fine, collapse in pain, someone else is in the bathroom, get frustrated, wait and wait, finally get in, repeat. Not only did I get rid of the Thanksgiving day food but all of 1995's! I didn't know where the rest of it was coming from!

It was nine in the morning when finally we all settled down. Once we all got to talking and couldn't sit down we came to the conclusion that the Thanksgiving Dinner had given us food poisoning. It was not too long after that when my Aunt called with the news. Now we had already pinpointed the source of the poisoning. It was the lasagna. Only those of us who ate it got sick. My Mother didn't eat it and my sister didn't go with us. They were spared. Turns out that the meat used in the lasagna had expired and the store knew about it. Bad spoiled rotten meat! Argggg.....

That year, 1995, Thanksgiving started out like any other (warm, cozy, and yummy) and ended with a memory I would like to forget. It was one crappy day! You knew it was coming. I had to say it. It took me a long time to actually go "to the bathroom" normally. My pattern was all screwed up.

In conclusion when you are bitching about the family members you will have to see and spend a day with just remember this. You could be spending seven hours on the crapper with balls of flames shooting out of your... well, you get the picture!